Where to begin?

First of all, I am still under the weather, despite my optimistic thoughts yesterday. However, I know how my body handles sickness. If I feel the same from day to day, that's a bad sign - now, if I feel crappy one day after another but it's a different kind of crappiness, then I know all is well and it will move through my system. And that is the case right now. No more hugely sore sinuses and headaches - today it is some aches and a sore throat. Tomorrow it'll probably be a cough and then I imagine it will be all gone by the weekend.

Second of all, I really wish I could have tiny teacups here and appropriately-teabags so that in the evenings when I don't really need a cup of tea, I could still have a little one to keep me company while I write my blog entry.  Actually, I don't care. I'll go make a properly sized cup of tea right now. Be right back. :)

-five minute interlude-

Hah.  So, I wrote "five minute interlude" and then - well, Erin came over, there were things to do, the tea water boiled and was forgotten and now, it's Thursday and I'm sitting in the college library. I had saved the beginning of this post as a draft and I think now is the right time to finish it.

In case you were wondering, I am still sick. No doubt about it. I think it's making the rounds on the campus - I haven't had a class yesterday or today in which all of the students were there. The good thing is that it's not all that severe. I  certainly am uncomfortable and unhappy, but it's more of a severe cold than an actual sickness. So, don't worry!  I'm going to be more realistic today and NOT go to the gym today - yes, you may think me crazy, but I did go to my cardio kickboxing class yesterday... I feel like that may have been a bad idea. Sometimes, I am quite dumb.

Anyways, this morning I was in a pretty bad place. I woke up and was so frustrated that a) I had overslept and b) I wasn't feeling completely healthy like I wanted to. C calmed me down through a few well-timed text messages and I am very grateful. She gave me the courage to just start my day even though it seemed like an unconquerable obstacle so early in the day.

So, I went and printed out everything that I need to read for my classes next week (I feel like I'm killing forests single-handedly as I do it, but I also know that I'm just signing myself up for a constant weekend-long headache if I try to read upwards of 75 pages on a computer screen for class...) and then spent a good half-hour prepping for my Film Music class where I was supposed to make a presentation today.

This week we were presenting individually movies in which we thought the music was implemented well, but also music that we enjoyed listening to out of the movie context. I chose the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, knowing very well that it was extremely blockbuster-y and mainstream (something you need to be aware of on a campus like this one). I did quite  bit of research and spent a lot of time last week watching, listening, watching, listening and taking lots of notes. I found a lot of interesting information and was quite proud of what I had done - there is more to film music than it "sounding good" and "fitting with the mood" of a movie.

But, one has to be prepared for certain things in the SF Bay Area in California. One of those things is hipsters. Do you know what hipsters are? Does anybody? The definition changes depending on who you ask.

I refuse to use this blog to rant about people because I know they won't read it. I won't do that. I will say, however, for your own edification, that my definition of "hipster" encompasses those individuals who seem to think themselves morally superior due to their rejection of everything mainstream. This attitude can manifest itself in clothing choice, food choice, music choice, etc. A good percentage of my film music class borders on hipsterdom if not living within the boundaries completely.

(Last bit, then I swear I'll stop. How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?-------
It's a really cool number... you've probably never heard of it.)

I'm not saying that to put anyone down . I'm only explaining because without that, it doesn't make sense to think that anyone in my generation could either not have seen Pirates of the Caribbean or be so incredibly dismissive of it after having seen it. (I maintain that those who have NOT seen it have made a point to not see it, just like those who never joined Facebook. It can be done, but it's not that you just "didn't get around to it". You made a point of NOT doing it.)

During my presentation, I made very clear that I think of that movie as what it really is: mainstream, blockbuster, formalist (thank you, Film theory!) entertainment. I don't try to pretend that it is art cinema or anything. But I maintain that if you let it, you will be entertained for two hours and probably laugh a few times. Because that's what it's supposed to do - not change your life. And the music reflects that. It's classic epic film music - but I thought there were some things in the music that usually get overlooked (6/8 time signature that fits very well with the rocking of a boat on the ocean as well as the slightly haphazard idea of Jack's character, etc.). Let's just say that half of the class giggled as they watched scenes and were excited to hear a film that they liked analyzed, and the other half sat back in their chairs and smirked. "It's good garbage, but garbage." said one of them.

Even my professor called it "Mainstream nondescript crap", agreeing with most of the musical critics of the soundtrack who say that it could be used for any film that had any kind of adventure theme, from outer space to a police drama. I was just a little bit hurt, but you know, I think I did a good presentation. And I know there are more "intellectual" films and more "intellectual" music but I was supposed to pick one that I LIKED, and I did that. The professor even encouraged me. I'm actually proud that it didn't upset me more. And half the class was on my side.

That discussion above brings me to another quick point I want to make before I go to my office hours. I have already discussed at length some of the differences between college in the states and Uni in Germany.  We've talked about the fact that my fellow math students here only know about a third of the entire math knowledge that our German counterparts do, but we can explain it much better than any of them can. I think even the idea of "understanding" in a class is different. I remember doing a problem with a friend of mine at the university last year and finishing it, getting the correct answer, and frowning at it. My friend asked me what was wrong, and I explained that I still didn't understand the problem. She looked very confused and told me that I shouldn't worry, I could obviously do them right. But that's not understanding to me, nor is it to my other classmates here. We sit in class and listen to explanations three or four times, ask the professor to rephrase them until not only can we do the problem, but we can explain why. We know what thought goes into which step, we could teach someone else to do it. But that takes time. And that's why we're behind if you look at the big picture. I can't decide which is better.

But I digress. What I wanted to talk about relates to music class this morning. The fact is that in a system that supports the kind of individual attention that liberal arts colleges like Mills, Allegheny and Middlebury do, there is a personal relationship between the students and the professors. For most students, I think this is a good thing. You go and you have discussions, you get personal attention and aid and professors can encourage you to do better in a way that a phantom professor who doesn't know your name at the front of an auditorium of 500 students can't. But there is another side to it. Th professors know you. Especially your advisors who see you through all of your years at school. They know you and then, the emotional pressure starts to build. You don't want to disappoint them.

For some students, I think this is necessary. If they didn't care what the professor thought, they wouldn't feel motivated at all. Some need that support to give them the drive to try and do better. I'm closer to the other side of the spectrum. Especially when I'm emotionally compromised (i.e. sick, stressed, etc.) I can get completely overwhelmed by this emotional responsibility to my professors. Will they be insulted if I skip class? Will they find out that I could have gone to class yesterday but that I didn't so that I could hopefully be healthier tomorrow? I can't do badly on the exam - not because my grades can take it but because they will be disappointed in me!

It's very stressful. I've never noticed it so clearly before, but that's what stepping back for a year can do to you.