A few of you may know that many homes in California experience a very specific problem around this time of the year. even though CA is known for sunshine, warmth, and general laid-back attitude, apparently even the winter sun and warmth are not enough for the ants - and I don't think I've ever met an ant with a laid-back attitude, so that was never going to help. In winter, those tiny little buggers get a bit cold, a bit hungry, or maybe just a bit lazy and they try to get into any warm, dry, well-stocked house that they can manage. This house is no exception.
You'd think, that this year with the drought and the almost summer weather we've been having that the ants would at least not have such a fervor as they have in other years. Precisely the opposite. This year is the worst ant invasion that (according to my father) this house has ever seen.
And let me tell you, this has awakened something in me that I did not know I had. At first it was a little off-putting but not much more to see the tiny line of ants (they really do go marching one-by-one) triumphantly focused on that tiny bit of apple core that unhappily landed on the floor when I overzealously chopped it for a snack. But then, when you find them swarming - and I mean swarming - over the unlikeliest ingredients (dry pasta, a closed box of Kosher salt, for goodness' sake!!) when you open up the pantry in the morning, it becomes more than off-putting.
So what do you do? The first time, you gently wet a paper towel and wipe up the trail, looking in vain for the source of the line as it disappears into the wall. You feel relatively justified in your actions because, as Emily (in this story, you are Emily), you feel no guilt in harming outdoor creatures if they are on your turf, i.e. the house. Indeed, under most circumstances you will not even kill mosquitos outside (okay, unless they are mid-bite, in which case you're in the clear, because your body is clearly your turf). And water and smooshing - hardly a cruel way to kill them.
Except it doesn't kill them. The buggers are stronger and faster than they look and a wipe with the towel leaves them crawling on your arms seconds later, and miraculously, the towel is free of ant corpses. Not cool.
You try hand soap with only slightly better results. And finally - you grab that deadly, terrifying can of ant poison. I grabbed for it much faster than I ever thought I would. And wouldn't you know it - that stuff works. I almost always have to look away when I use it for several reasons: 1. the stuff smells terrifying and the poison isn't for ME and 2. When I watch, I see that its effects are awfully close to that of the cruciatus curse in Harry Potter (shudder) and I just feel like a horrible person. 3. Yes, the chemicals involved are terrible for everyone - ants, people, environment. I'm working on some more environmentally friendly but still deadly options.
But the desire to use that poison is palpable. All of a sudden, I'm muttering "die, die, die..." under my breath as it sprays out over the trails.
Two interesting side effects to this vendetta. Firstly, the most unpleasant: every hour of the day and most hours of the night (yes, even if I'm in San Francisco or Berkeley or the car or Safeway) I feel the creepy crawling sensation and am sure that if I were to look down, I'd find the tiny black bodies moving all over my own. Blechhhhhh!
Secondly, I find myself (particularly in the minutes before sleep) imagining, almost like a macabre parody of the children's movies I used to watch with mice or rabbits as protagonists, the scene in the ant hive - I imagine wounded workers trudging back, telling the tale of the horrible mist that came over them while they were harvesting the food. I imagine dying ant by the side of the trail as they troop back into the house for more, and the one left behind cries, "Noo, don't! Go no further! Death awaits you..."
Creepy, I know. Still, it makes me smile just a bit. But you gotta do what you gotta do to protect your home.
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I spared you a picture of these demons. I figured no one really wants to see a picture of swarming ants. You're welcome.
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To get those thoughts out of your head (I am sorry :P) here is a video that in some ways reflects how I feel when I see a new battle on the horizon. It's also just a good laugh. Go ahead!
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