Suddenly Saturday Again

Wow.  This has been a serious week.

On top of learning that I was still a candidate for the Fulbright program and doing all the subsequent work for that, the students in Real Analysis also finally realized that I was a peer tutor for their course, so I had at least five tutoring appointments this week in addition to my office hours. This is certainly a good thing - I know the other tutor was feeling swamped with work, so I'm glad that some of the students have found me. Plus, it's fun for me to think about Real Analysis again.  (Just so you know, one of the first things we proved in my Real Analysis class eons ago was why 2+2=4.  You have to start WAY at the beginning... the way most professors like to teach their math classes is that you cannot use ANY fact about math until you've proven it. It's incredibly frustrating if you're still learning how to prove things, but you get a very good understanding of the nuts and bolts of it all before you have to go on to prove more complex things, so I think it's a good idea.)

But on top of that, there was normal work. I have realized that I really am a habitual person. It's not that I do the same thing every day, but I just have patterns that I like to live within, and if I do, I'm usually quite happy. But if things change, if something unexpected comes up -- well, for a day, I'm fine. That's one of the nice things. I've usually planned ahead enough that even if I could do no work for a day, the next day I wouldn't be suffering hugely. However, if TWO days go by - that's when I start freaking out. This week, I had a lot of unplanned work for Fulbright and for my tutoring appointments. That means that I still got all my work that was due this week done with lots of time to spare - however, it meant that the time that I usually have between my assignments due this week which is reserved for things due next week was now full with this extra work for Fulbright, etc.

Kurz gesagt, my weekend is very full now. I can't take the time for my usual Berkeley trip [ :( ] even though that trip is just for work purposes, though maybe I'll find a place in Oakland tomorrow that's a bit closer (one of the tricky things about Berkeley is that the fastest way to get there is the Shuttle, but that doesn't start running until 11 on weekends - then you don't get there until almost noon, etc. etc. Takes time.) because I need to get off campus.

I was thinking a lot as I trudged back to my room after my Tuesday Film class (which ends at 9:45 at night). I was thinking about how I had left my room to come down the hill to campus at about 8:30 that morning and hadn't been back to my room during the day. I had been in class, edited my statements for Fulbright twice, met with a professor to talk about my Fulbright statements, had been to the gym, had worked on my Fulbright application, had had my office hours and helped students with Abstract Algebra, had been to my other class, worked on my own Algebra homework, etc. And I was thinking about how that was the classic college life scenario - I felt empowered and excited that I was getting all these things done, that I could be considered for Fulbright -- all very exciting. And I thought I was living the college life. Then, at the bottom of the hill on top of which my dorm sits, I saw a small building where most Intermedia Arts courses are taught. And I saw fifteen students sitting around with various instruments, starting to a jam session that would clearly last a while. Drums, singing, guitar, flute - it was jazz and it was reggae and it was rock. And I stopped on the path and realized that that was not the college life I was living. There is a bluegrass festival in San Francisco this weekend. A farmer's market at Lake Merritt in Oakland. I have friends who are going to both, and I know that next week, they'll be getting very little sleep because they need to get their work done.

I want to go and live life, too. I want to do those things that are arguably much more important than my response paper for my Film Music class. With the constant evaluation of students through weekly assignments or tri-weekly homework, every time that you do something different than the norm, the professors notice. My coursework is my ultimate priority here, and that shows. After three years of college, I have a 3.97 GPA, a 4.0 in my major. But I've said "no" to these other experiences so many times, and it's getting to me a bit this year. I really hope that next semester, I can have a slightly lighter courseload and manage to get out more.

Also, every week I won't be applying to Fulbright on two weeks notice. I know that next weekend, I'll feel a bit freer. It's just that this weekend, I feel a bit like an animal that willingly walked into a cage because it thought it was the right thing to do. And now that the door's been closed, I'm regretting my decision.

Also, one reason I might be so glum this morning is that I dreamed for what felt like hours last night about going clothing shopping and not finding anything that fit! The very last dream-sequence before I woke up involved me wearing something that I don't even think David Bowie would be caught in. Tassels, sparkles, tight leather pants - oh dear. Quite entertaining!

(This post turned out rather down, or seeming like I'm quite upset - I'm not really, just so you know. I'm a bit annoyed, but in general, I'm quite good! I just wanted to let you know. :)  )