This, I remarked to my friends Erin and Miranda this afternoon while cleaning up from yesterday's festivities. Tight shoulders, frown, contrary thoughts, whining - "Actually," I continued after a brief pause and some reflection, "I think it's still just a normal tantrum." I didn't want my friends to leave, didn't want the week to begin, just felt like waving my hands at the world and yelling "hold on, just one damn minute! Give us a sec to breathe!!" I think everyone has those moments.
In general, this weekend was lovely. Last year's and this year's birthdays of mine will stand out in my mind for a long time. Both were high points in terms of friendship - each time I was shocked and pleased at the number of people, and the different kinds of people, that came to celebrate with me. These people I know from different circles, many of them I hoped we would be friends but figured that after the semester ends, etc, that would fade - and then this happens, and I know that's not quite the case. And the party was so lovely. Great food, great conversation, and laughter. I couldn't have asked for more.
And especially this weekend, after seeing Erin and getting the chance to hang out with other people/not being alone, after about 36 hours (I'm counting Friday) around 4 this afternoon, I was actually relaxed. It took me that long to get there, and I sprawled on the sofa with two good friends talking about everything - über Gott und die Welt (sometimes expressions just fit) - and it was so fleeting. Then I drove them to the Bart station and now I'm listening to NPR, finished putting away the last of the dishes, ushered the chickens into the coop, and the week is unfurling in front of me, fronds and branches from the trees (representing those things that I also need to do - study, look at grad school apps, get ready for the transatlantic move) lining the road threatening the windshield of my week's plan.
I went to the gym after I dropped my friends off, wanting to zone out. I put on my music and hopped on the machine and zoned. I like my music loud. Every now and then, as one person told me, I have enough going on in my head and don't need the music. (When I first heard that ((in regards to music while running)), I didn't understand it at all - how could you not listen to music or something? Since, I have understood and have run with just my thoughts as company. On occasion.) For some reason, I felt like the walls of "culture" were closing in - the green lights telling me how long I had been running, the TVs glaring and silently blaring from the walls, the mirrors reflecting the room over and over and a person with headphones wherever I looked. It made me furious for some reason, both the outside and the fact that I was complicit in it, that I could not have fit in in that scene any better. Every now and then, I just have it up to here with culture and society, I think. It happens to me often in the grocery store - people, their inane conversations, my insipid worries, and the brands clamoring on the shelves. Today it was in the gym and all I wanted was a tent, a sky, a fire, and a cup of tea*. But I know that if I were there, I'd immediately be lonely and want for something else - but I think I'd rather be lonely when I'm actually alone than feel lonely when surrounded by people, which really is one of the components of that feeling I was attempting to describe.
*What I really want right now, as I have told a few of my friends recently, is only one task at hand. Work, perhaps. Or studying, maybe. Or cooking. Or taking care of an animal. Or a person to talk to. But right now, juggling and juggling is just exhausting to me.
And all this blabbering and the thoughts behind them are exactly why this weekend was so good. I needed that time with friends. NPR is talking about memory and forgetting, I have a ripe mango and no one with whom I am required to share it, and with that I will prepare for the week.
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